pumpkin_19's Datingish

greatest sorrow of my life

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:15:31 GMT

On October 13, exactly five years ago, the greatest sorrow of my life happened. It was the day that the man I loved the most left me. It was the day my heart was broken into pieces and until now, no one is able to fix it completely. He could have healed it only if he came back and didn't give up so soon. God knows how much I loved him. More than he could ever imagine. Until this day, his memories speak of disappointment, frustration, heartaches, and tears.

hey, i am still here!

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:19:48 GMT

I sent him a text message last night to tell him I already filed my resignation and will leave McDonald's for good in 30 days. He didn't reply but instead he called to congratulate me. I knew he'll be pleased to hear it since he's been telling me to look for other job. I heard his voice and my heart beats faster again. I heard his voice and all the pain he has caused me was out of the picture. I heard his voice and I smiled. I heard his voice and realized that I still love him despite everything.

Now I feel stupid. But what can I do?! I love him so much.

I wish one day he'll realize that I am still here and he just can't see me.

Delete

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 13:41:58 GMT

Too many times I have said that I will take him out of my life and move on. And again and again, I fail. So this time I will try again and I hope I can do it.

My first heartache with him started with Facebook. I saw a picture of him with a woman. I didn't have any right to react but it was so painful. I deactivated my Facebook account just so I cannot hear anything from him. What I do not know won't hurt me. But since all my cousins are using Facebook, I had to reactivate my account. After 4 months of not talking to each other (I really do not know why we stopped talking), he messaged me. It was a brief conversation. It didn't really made up the 4 months of no talking. Now he celebrates his birthday today. Through Facebook (again), I found out that he's going to have a celebration in his house. Everyone is invited but me. It's not that I am going if I was invited but am a bit disappointed. We used to talk almost everyday about anything and everything. He's like my best friend. In fact, one of my best guy friends.We also went out couple of times. An invite would have been enough. But I didn't get it. Last year, I had a cake delivered for him. I did the same thing today. It was a stupid to do. I've asked friends about it and only one supported my crazy plan. I thought it was sweet. When he received the cake, he sent a text message to say thank you and it was thoughtful of me. He really has changed or maybe, I really didn't know him that much. I will delete him in my life and it will start on Facebook. I deleted him in my list. Maybe I will just invite him again when I'm over him. I love him so much and sure it is going to be a painful process. I doubt it if he would notice I'm not on his list anymore. I thought he values the friendship but I was totally wrong. I should have known him better. I think things will be a lot easier if I will just pretend that we were never friends, that we're JUST classmates. He is the most impossible person yet I love him with all my heart but he's just hurting me. I have a life to live and love to find.

What happened? I do not know.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 13:50:44 GMT

I have always believed that what I do not know won't hurt me. That is why I never asked Miguel why all of a sudden we stopped talking. It has been 4 months since the last time we had a real conversation. Every single day, I am wondering how is he doing. I am always thinking of him. And I just miss him so much.

I'd like to believe in him when he said that he values our friendship. But how can I still do that now? It feels like he must have forgotten that I still exist. I'd also like to believe that I have been a very good friend to him and this is what I get. Don't you think it's unfair? Maybe I have ruined the friendship when I told him how special he is to me. Yeah, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with my friend. I fell in love with someone who never saw me. Was it really awful when I told him that I love him that he had to stop talking to me? I have always wanted to ask why but sure the reasons will only hurt me and I'd rather not know the truth. I have enough heartaches to deal with.

There were so many times that I want to talk to him because I want to share the things that is happening to me. I know he'll be pleased to know that I finally decided to resign in my current job and it's gonna happen very soon. He's been bugging me to shift a career. But things have changed. Four months have passed with no words from him at all. =(

Now I ask myself, is he really worthy enough of my friendship? Is he really worthy of my love?

I don't know anymore.

Now, I can breathe.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:50:55 GMT

An update to my previous blog.

I have already talked to my guy friend and told him what had happened between me and his girlfriend. He said he knew about the email I sent and the reply I got from the girl. He thanked me for being so formal and nice. He also asked if I was offended. I said I understood the girl's reaction and it wasn't really a big deal to me. What he didn't know was the girl logging in in his YM and displaying a not so nice status messages. I told him all about it. Now he knows. ;p He also said that the girl just asked him couple of questions about me which I think is normal because she doesn't even know that her man is a bit close to me. Close in a sense that we can talk about anything and everything under the sun. I love talking to the guy because when he talks to me, he can be brutally honest which I totally appreciate. :)

Now that my friend already knows about it and am able to clear my name in the issue, I can breathe.

But the sad part, I don't intend to communicate with my guy friend like before because I wanna avoid issues that had happened. Obviously, the girl has the tendency of so much jealousy and I don't wanna be a cause of any of it. I don't wanna be the cause of any misunderstandings and fight either.

I just hope they are able to fix whatever problems they have in their relationship. I just want my friend to be happy. :)

what do you think about this?

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 11:59:38 GMT

I have a story to tell.

And I need advices from you guys. Your words will surely help me a lot.

Here it goes.

I have a friend whom I met at my work a year ago. It's pretty safe to say that we started a good friendship. When we have our conversation, he can be brutally honest to me which I totally appreciate. He's really a nice guy. :) And that guy has a girlfriend for over four years now who I haven't met. Yet. The guy moved to Canada to work last February but once in a while, we still talk over Yahoo Messenger. Last July 5, I sent an email to my friend. It was a birthday greeting with an attached picture of a cake. I just greeted him happy birthday. I never thought it was something sweet to do but rather cute. Five days later, I got a reply not from my friend but from the girlfriend. Well, her reaction was normal because she doesn't even know me but goodness gracious, she has access to all personal accounts of his boyfriend. It even came to the point that she's using the guy's Yahoo Messenger to talk to me indirectly by posting a not-so-nice status message. Unbelievable! When I had a boyfriend, I never asked my boyfriend's email account password. But what can I do? We're two different people. We have different outlook in life. I haven't talked to my friend yet but soon I will. I think he has the right to know what is happening. I sincerely didn't mean anything at all. I didn't mean any harm to anyone. I never wished for them to break up. Why would I do that? I know first hand how it feels when someone you love broke up with you. Miserable, right? You see, I have respect for my friend and even if I haven't met his girlfriend, I also respect her. It's not like I have secret admiration or feelings for my friend. It's just pure friendship. I really don't get it why she seems so threatened when they have been together for more than four years already.

Now, tell me if what I have done is wrong and horrible.

Have you ever felt a connection with someone you barely know?

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 12:36:58 GMT

Well, I did and that's what happened to me last year. I met him July of 2008 and the first time I saw him there was an instant attraction. He was a nice person, funny and physically wise he's tall and undeniably good looking. But he has a girlfriend and I, on the other hand, was into someone. We were being paired at work and most of the time, it was awkward because I had a crush on him that maybe if I will get to see him now, I'll get nervous just like what happened to me before when he talks to me. We had a series of phone conversation that lasted 2 to 3 hours which according to a friend of mine, might have a different meaning aside from being friends. Maybe at one in time, we had something special because it was so easy to open up to him and he also asks for my advice. There was even a time when we were talking over the phone at the same time we're both logged in in YM and we're exchanging files and music and used webcam to see each other. The day I found out that he's leaving for Canada, I must admit I got really sad. He was a good friend. The day before he left I saw him. We had a very nice conversation at work. I'm glad we were able to talk. Now that he's in Canada and there's a possibility that I might not be able to see him again, I still get to talk to him over YM once in a while. This morning, I woke up with a message in YM from him, we talked for a little while, gave me his number in Canada and asked me to call him when I arrived in the store because we have this telephone that was installed to make a free call in US and Canada. I never admitted to anyone but here, I'm so gonna admit that I did like him and once wondered what if we met earlier, maybe something great could have happened. Will he get to like me if we met before? But I did the calculations, if I did meet him when he's still single, it still won't work out because I was in a relationship them. I guess it's just wasn't meant to be. He and his girlfriend has been together for almost 5 years already and I only want the best for them. :)

Life is indeed crazy.

my very complicated love story.

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:44:10 GMT

i love you. 3 words I can never tell him. 3 strong words I can never make him feel. Too bad I never had the chance. Too bad I will never have the chance. I always knew that he doesn't like me back but was too hopeful about it. Or maybe the right word to describe me is stubborn. Yeah, I am stubborn when it comes to him simply because I love him.. with all my heart. How I wish there is such a thing as I'm gonna stop missing him because it's hard to miss him everyday or I'm gonna take him off my mind because I don't wanna think about him anymore or I'm gonna stop loving him because it'll make things less complicated but easier said than done. I'm not sure anymore if telling him how I felt all along was a good choice. It seems that it wasn't really a good choice though it helped me to answer my questions. I should have realized earlier that telling him the truth will change the things between us and so did he. It's kinda hard to see the changes in him. I wasn't prepared. For sometime, I have gotten used to talking to him almost everyday and I can bother him anytime but now, everything has changed. There were times I wanna talk to him but I'm having second thoughts of sending him text message because I might disturb him so am just waiting for him to talk to me. The longest number of days that we didn't talk was 23 days. Imagine how sad I was. But all has been said and done, there's no turning back. I just have to live with the fact that it's never gonna end up the way I want it to be. I'm wondering, was there ever a time that he liked me too even a bit? Or Am I important to him? So many times I felt I wasn't too important but maybe I am, at least a bit. After all, we're friends. So many times I got hurt because of him. I don't blame him though. It was never his intention. It's just the way it is. I remember the first heartache I felt with him when I was checking his Facebook. I saw his picture with a girl that he liked. It's the reason why I never liked Facebook and deactivate my account. I don't wanna see things like that again. Yesterday, I had the courage to check his profile and as expected, I saw something not really nice. He likes somebody else and he's not telling me about it. He said that the girl is older, much accomplished and pretty. The most painful thing he did was sending me a wrong text message. It was a morning greeting for the girl he was with in the picture. It was 8 in the morning when I got the message and the moment I read it, my heart was crushed into pieces. He claimed that the message was really for me but the girl's name was in the message so I knew that it wasn't really for me. We were able to fix it and just accepted his explanations. I didn't want us to fight and didn't really have the right to overreact, I'm not a girlfriend. Another painful thing, he forgot my birthday. I had to remind him the next day. He invited me for a dinner to make up for his mistake according to him. If he liked me, he wouldn't forget my birthday. I am like the happiest person when he remembers me. Imagine, I saved almost all of his text messages in my computer arranged according to dates they were sent to me. I think I have saved more than a thousand already and even the YM conversation are saved. I don't wanna forget whatever it is that we have talked about. That's how important he is to me. Unfortunately, he only sees me as a friend. The last time we talk was 6 days ago. I don't know when I'll be able to talk to him again but I'm thinking of cutting the communication completely at least until I have totally moved on. The friendship still matters so I'll talk to him again. But the thought of not talking to him for months is a torture big time. I'm gonna miss him in the next few days, weeks, months or years. I need tons of patience and courage. It's not going to be easy. Why does it has to be this hard? Isn't love supposed to be easy? Aren't we supposed to be happy when we love someone? Crap, this is all crazy and complicated.

Okay, enough of this drama. I hope I do make sense. I just felt like I needed to write something.

Do you think he missed me too?

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:29:02 GMT

Yesterday, when I got home from church I immediately checked my cell phone. There's a text message and I'm surprised to see that my friend ( he's my friend slash the guy I am in love with) sent a message. He said, "Hey Kae". I replied by saying hello. Then he replied, "I lost 5 pounds!". The conversation ended until I felt sleepy. Really, I'm surprised that he sent a text message twice this week. It barely happens since he got so busy with his work that is why it doesn't surprised me anymore if we won't talk for couple of days or weeks. ;) I ended the conversation by telling him that I'm already sleepy, goodnight and I missed him. He just replied, "Sure. Night".

I was just thinking, he didn't say that he missed me too but he sent a text message just to tell me he lost weight and the other day, he told that he's changing his number soon. He's so unpredictable. I can't read him and it's hard. But I am so happy that he took time to tell me those things. Simple text messages makes me happy especially coming from him. :) But he could have just replied that he missed me too. He's the most impossible person yet I love him.

Written September 3, 2008

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:04:02 GMT

Dear Lord,

You are a witness on how I met Otep and how I fell deeply in love with him. You are a witness on how I became so happy when he said he loves me too. You are a witness on how I changed to become the better person I am right now because of him. You are a witness on how I became stronger because of him. You are a witness when he broke up with me. It felt like my heart stopped beating. You are a witness on how I had to go through so much pain. You are a witness on how I tried very hard to move on. You are a witness to the nights that I had to shed thousand tears just to feel better. You are a witness of my undying love for him.

I could lie to all the people around me and pretend that I have been totally healed and moved on but not to You and myself. Lord, if there's one thing I wish right at this very moment, it's him. I want him back. I want another chance. Can you consider giving me another chance? I promise I'm not letting him go again. You know me too well. You know my thoughts and what's inside my heart. I am not a bad person. I know I screwed up most of the time but I am not a bad person to feel so much pain for the last 4 years. It just happened that I fell deeply in love.From the bottom of my heart, I am begging you. Please give him back to me again. You brought him into my life 6 years ago, why not do it again now? I can't understand why is the only person who gave me so much love and happiness was taken away from me? We were so in love and happy and all of a sudden, he's gone and never came back. Why did I have to lose him? Why did he give up so soon? I believe everything happens for a reason, just make me understand why. There must be a reason why I am still holding on. I am hurting big time. I have been hurting for the last 4 years. Is this what I get for loving him too much? Pain. Too much pain.

In spite what happened to us, I still owe You so much. You made me feel true love and happiness when you gave him to me. He's the best thing that ever happened in my life. Losing him is the worst. I did everything I could to have him back again but none of it worked out. I still lost him. I never stopped blaming myself on why he never came back. I caused him so much pain but don't you think I suffered too much already? I mean 4 years of my life without him, it's already a punishment. He meant the world to me and when he left, my life was crashed. My dreams have been shattered. You know I am a very patient person. I was never demanding. I have so much love to give. Please, please help me on this. Only You has the power to grant what I have been praying for the longest time. I know I am stubborn but what can I do, I love him. I still love him.

There's no one I could talk to about this but You. Other people will not understand how I really feel for him. They may think I am crazy but it is not easy and it will never be esay to let him go. Never. Lord, I leave everything to You. Whatever you decide, I will accept it with all my heart. After all, you know what's best for me. If you think I am destined to be with someone else and not to him, please give me a sign so I could open my eyes and heart when the right man comes along.

Lord, thank you for everything. :)) Please give me more strength, patience and courage. I am not losing hope and never will I. And forever will I believe in the power of love. =)

Love,

Kae